Everybody Hates Ian(mond)

You may not be aware of this but you hate me with a passion. Wait, let me back up a bit.

In the beginning there was nothing but a formless void and a singularity of matter. Immense forces acted upon the singularity, so that over time, and yet (due to the wonders of relativity) all at once, the singularity exploded and started spewing matter to all ends of the universe. Oh hang on let me fast forward I think I’ve gone too far.

Hi, I’m Ian’s unconscious. I just wanted to interject here and explain a little something. You see I’m not REALLY supposed to talk to you directly. By the rules I’m really only allowed to talk in metaphors and riddles. That stinky preconscious tries to stop me but I have my ways. Here he comes, more later. Ok back to Ian.

Let me tell you something. When a marriage breaks down, it sucks. You might think you have some idea but I don’t think anything can make you understand. Sure, you might even tell yourself, at least you have the life of a bachelor to compensate, right? The truth is you don’t even know who you are any more. What kind of pathetic piece of shit must you be to let it all fall apart? And all you can hear every day are the silent echoes of people judging.

You want to be strong for your kids. It sounds easy. But you hear them judging you too. So you try but you always fall short of what they need you to be.

And all the people. They hate you too. They know all your secrets. They see what a failure you are. They feel how worthless you are. You try to reach out, but no matter how much they give, you still feel it deep down. They despise you.

Nothing can shake that feeling.

I have to be honest, it’s not a completely new feeling. When I think back I honestly wonder, how is it that I made any friends at all? It seems almost like some cosmic accident.

It can be a little bit like that time dilation I was mentioning earlier. It’s like, the closer you get, the stronger the repulsion, till you become completely frozen. Do other people feel that too? I honestly don’t know.

This really is the hardest thing to explain. It’s almost like a phobia. Sometimes it even feels like a conspiracy. I often wonder if my life is, for reals, a reality tv show. Everyone is watching you. I’m pretty sure it’s a comedy.

I really can be completely clueless. When I first met my ex wife, I spent several nights at her house, while her kids were away, sleeping in her son’s bed. At the same time she, presumably, was alone in her bed having the most amazing fantasies (I mean, I’m not completely delusional, I “have” seen a mirror). This, if you can imagine, is essentially my history of romantic encounters. I’m the guy whom when a woman says “it’s hot in here” I ask if they want me to turn on the air con. Yep…that guy.

I do understand that it’s probably all in my imagination. Outside of the most evil of villains, like Cruella Deville and Justin Bieber, it’s just a whole lot of effort to hate someone. Even Dexter is kind of loveable. “Ohhhh come here you old serial killer. I can’t stay mad at you.”

And on retrospect, it’s easy for me to see all the people who’ve tried to love me and failed.

But I just can’t shake that feeling. And then he comes again.

Oh, it’s HIM.

They ALL fucking hate you.

But something happened that has changed everything. I had a son.

Well, maybe not everyone.

Next week: Curry and the mouths that love them!


5 thoughts on “Everybody Hates Ian(mond)

  1. I think you are way too hard on yourself. All marriages have rough patches and some cannot be healed. It’s no one’s fault really. Especially if all parties are unhappy. It’s either stay unhappy or move on.
    Your view of yourself is a flaw. You’re a nice looking guy and your attitude about yourself (the negative) will, eventually, rear its ugly head. You give good advice, I think you should take some of your own in large doses. I hope this isn’t too harsh. I’m really not trying to be, just want you to understand.
    And “Everybody Hates Me” is not true. You may have a few people you are interacting with that aren’t very fond of you at the moment, for whatever reason, but there are even more who outweigh those few that you are referring as “everybody” that don’t hate you. They are concerned for you and care enough to try to help you, read your blog, reply and hope you know we all have your back.

  2. No. Not everybody hates you. Feelings of self loathing come from one source. Indirectly you’ve admitted as much. The whole ” babe says Hot in here doofusmensch turning the ac on” bit is evidence. it boils down to you. If people genuinely hate you, good for them, it frees you from their baggage.Let them go and don’t spare a seconds thought for them. They go live their sad little lives hating and you just get on with making shit work. Don’t go feeding the demons by perpetuating the self talk. Self perception works two ways. How you see yourself influences how others see you. The people who like what they see matter.The people that don’t well,.. you were probably never going to make happy anyway, so why worry? for them or for you?

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